Surely you have one girlfriend, or friends, who are somehow always in a relationship with the same type of partner. Either they have to “fix” them and constantly pull them forward or are the ones who are waiting for the chosen one to solve all their life problems.

We also know this situation: you sit down for coffee with a friend, and she persistently checks where her partner is, and when you agree on something, the decision cannot be made without the consent of the beloved half. You may have experienced all of this yourself, and it is a toxic and unhealthy pattern of behaviour called an interdependent relationship in psychology.

Also check: Free dating sites

What are interdependent relationships – and who is prone to them?

An interdependent relationship is characterised by a relationship in which two people who have not developed basic security connect and feed each other’s own insecurities. It is a relationship in which most often one person has the power to control, while the other person takes on the role of victim.

A typical example is a partnership in which there is a problem of alcoholism and abuse, but this is perhaps only the most extreme form of this relationship.

This relationship does not only mean physical forms of abuse. A very common example is a relationship where one partner takes all the responsibility on himself (leads), while the other renounce most of the responsibility.

It is very important to note that dysfunction in interdependent relations arises from the insecurity of both parties in the relationship, but also that two insecure persons enter into a relationship to cure their own insecurities.

Remember Carrie Bradshaw and the Beast? We can’t help but think of them when we talk about this phenomenon, and there are many such examples in popular culture and life.

Three types of behaviours in a relationship indicate an unhealthy relationship.

Uncertain anxiety type implies a constant need for contact with a partner and a more or less pronounced inability to spend time alone and be without a partner. These people are constantly asking for confirmation of their own value and their own actions from their partners.

On the other hand, some people avoid intimacy and have a more or less pronounced inability to build emotionally close relationships. Finally, the ambivalent type unites these two aspects of behaviour: a person who needs to be close to someone, but also avoids contact when it becomes overwhelming.

Also check: Flirt and have fun

How do you recognise that you are in an interdependent relationship?

To recognise these types of relationships, you have to look at yourself and the partners you choose.
If you notice a pattern that repeats itself, there is clearly a problem.

For example, some people tend to choose partners who will always indicate to them that they are not good enough and that they have to fix something in themselves.

On the other hand, some people will always choose partners who always have something to fix, because they are convinced that they are inadequate or not good enough, and project their demands on themselves on the partner.

Or, for example, people who tend to choose emotionally unavailable, often busy partners who will make them feel like victims, while emotionally unavailable people just attract partners with an overwhelming need for contact and intimacy to solidify their own avoidance patterns.

The psychologist gives some more examples.

We choose partners we believe need help or salvation, or we choose partners we believe will save us.

We feel responsible for our partner’s behaviour, or we completely give up our own responsibility.

We constantly avoid confrontation to maintain peace in a relationship, or we constantly seek conflict and drama because peace seems boring to us.

We are constantly asking for confirmation from our partners to feel valuable.

We feel the prevailing fear and mistrust in the relationship, which manifests itself in the form of excessive contact or excessive avoidance of contact.

Also check: Free online dating sites

Our mood depends on the opinions and feelings of our partners. We have a constant feeling of captivity and lack of freedom in the relationship.

In particular, interdependence can also be manifested through the inability to make banal decisions independently, for example, “what will we eat for lunch”. That is why it is important to understand that we have all experienced it at least in this milder form.

The root of all insecurity

Our ability to feel safe in relationships with others in love life is most significantly built up to the first three years of life. It all stems from the ability of the mother or primary carer, if the mother was absent, to respond to our needs.

But even if our childhood was not the happiest, as adults we can learn how to bond safely.

“People who can achieve intimacy without giving up their own values, interests and freedom to express their opinions, but also their emotions, can build such relationships.

These people also understand that we are not independent but social beings and they see giving and receiving as an integral part of every relationship. However, they do not take responsibility for someone else’s happiness “.

Getting out of the vicious circle

The interdependent relationship is above all hard – and because of that, it is long-term and dangerous for our mental health.

It requires an immense amount of energy and distances us from ourselves, discovering our needs and values and taking responsibility for our own happiness. Entering into such relationships is a certain type of self-punishment.

On the other hand, suffering is our greatest teacher

Without knowledge of relationship pain, there is no knowledge of happiness. We have all gone through some kind of experience of dysfunctional interdependence.

In the long run, this can lead us either to our own development and building basic security that we did not have the opportunity to experience as children, or, unfortunately, depending on the intensity of such relationships, even to mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety and some forms psychosis.

Three steps towards setting personal boundaries that are crucial for a healthy relationship.

Also check: Busty girls

The first step – recognising your own emotions and intuition

It is extremely important to recognise how we feel in someone’s environment. If we understand that we do not like anything, only then can we act accordingly?

For example, when an acquaintance invites us for a drink, we should ask ourselves if we really want to spend time with that person. It is usually the first thought, the real thought.

The second step – recognising your own values and setting priorities following them

For example, if we see that we enjoy spending time alone, how often do we leave room for it? If we need intimacy, will we communicate it to the partner?

The third step – communication

This is for many the part that is the most difficult to implement. We often feel that by setting clear boundaries, we hurt others with words. If we have a problem saying no, it is very important not to start this process too ambitiously, but to start with smaller actions.

For example, say “I can’t now”, “can you ask me again later” Or practice “no speech” with people with whom we have less intense emotional relationships.