And in the end, I broke down. I suggested we should go watch “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” and then have dinner. But that was it: The next day, when he asked me when we would see each other again, I told him I had a busy week ahead of me.
What to do?
I do not believe I would have rejected him so heartlessly if it were not for a man who, blessed be his heart, could not plan. When I asked him to choose a restaurant, he would tell me, “But you always choose such good places.” I would say that with the criminal innocence of someone who says “Whenever I help with the courts, I break something.”
Good connections require planning even when you are in the mood to lie down on the sofa, with ordered food, watch Netflix together all night, and I felt like the whole burden was always on me. I imagined myself planning the rest of our relationship, then our wedding, then the schedule of children’s activities. I imagined myself in 20 years shooting my movie and running away.
These days, we (especially women under stress) talk a lot about “mental work,” the invisible strain that happens in a relationship. This term appeared in 1996 with a doctor in the Journal of Social Problems. The doctor researched how the mental work on raising a child is divided between mothers and fathers. She divided the burden into three categories: care, information processing, and division of labour management.
How to describe the woman?
She described how women are socially programmed to take care of their babies, and even to feel like bad mothers when they are not caring. Men are not caring and do not feel that this lack of care is reflected in the quality of their parenting. Women, further, worry even more because they know men don’t care. They also explore more deeply what makes a parent good or bad – it’s the “information processing” part. And mothers also spend more time “managing the division of labour,” meaning they spend more time trying to get fathers to take a more active role in parenting. Women are the logistics of the family.
That’s why it’s partly understandable that the men I’m dating now – those who grew up in 1996 – have an aversion to planning. No one taught them how to do it. There is only one type of situation in which men, stereotypically, take planning from women: flirting and proposing. Many guys panic there and turn into a billboard.
What about the fathers?
For fathers, the doctor’s message is clear: Don’t be a father to whom everything is clear. Be a father who goes crazy because one kid has a football at 3:15 PM and the other, a piano an hour’s drive from there at 3:20 PM.
For husbands, the division of mental work in a relationship is somewhat less simple. This may mean you need to make sure that household chores are evenly divided, or that you take on responsibilities for organizing trips and weekends.
For us, who are still in the meat market (which is to say – we are seeing someone): the person we are dating is our baby. Our task is to plan a meeting that will include everything that exists. Sometimes I like planning – I really choose great restaurants – but sometimes I want to hand over the reins. I don’t want to stress about whether we have enough time to get from the bar to the cinema (care). I don’t want to spend the day reading about new sake bars (information processing). I don’t want to be stressed about whether you’re stressed thinking about whether we’ll get from the bar to the cinema and whether you’ve researched the new sake bars (a division of labour management) well.
Winning or losing?
The other side of this whining of mine is that the man who is planning the meeting is currently getting a better position. Even if I am hesitant about the guy after the first meeting, if he sends me a message with a plan (“We can meet at 5.30 to watch” Goodbye “and then walk to a great Ethiopian restaurant near the cinema”), he gets a chance for another a meeting. The same goes for guys and husbands: most offences can be ironed out by a well-planned dinner, or even just an honest attempt at a well-planned dinner.
If “When will we see each other again?” is one of the most stressful phases in a relationship, then let “I booked a table” be the sexiest.
Six factors that will reduce stress (hers) and maximize points (yours)
Comfort: If you are after work, choose a place that will be easily accessible from your office. If you are staying for the weekend, choose a place where you will both arrive easily.
Noise level: Noise made by people is fine – crowded restaurants create the atmosphere of a popular place – but loud music is not. You want liveliness, not madness.
Lighting: The restaurant does not have to be lit by candles, but the lighting should not be fluorescent either. “Fluorescent” is the opposite of “sexy.”
Price: Take a look at the menu and see if you feel comfortable while you pay. My biggest fear about going out is the panicked look of my chosen one the moment he looks at me and realizes that he suggested a place where the cheapest cocktail is $ 20, and the only acceptable dish is a salad with beans. If you’ve eaten at that restaurant before, say, “The place is great,” and if you haven’t, say, “I looked at the menu and it looks great.” This way, it will be immediately clear how expensive the place is.
Food: Look for a good combination of light, precoital meal and heavy “I have to lie down and not move five hours after this burger” meal.