Probably not because of what you think – and your reaction can only make matters worse. Here’s what experts suggest you do.

Emotions and sentimentality

There are a lot of sentimental stories, both in books and in movies. Many look at them with nostalgia. In one of the many emotional moments, it is said: “No crying”. However, some spectators failed to control their emotions. Some of them let out a loud sob, without any shame. And the well-known situation has begun.

The cry of this woman triggered a chain reaction, much like when someone vomited on a plane, and in a few seconds, every female was sobbing. Is there another side of the coin, related to real life, when someone is sick or dies? In one Far Eastern country, at the moment when an important person passed away, people fell to their knees and cried over the dead body of a loved one.

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Comparison with other situations

But it was nothing. The women in the cinema choked on tears. The men sat still. We are always surprised when people talk about crying as a tactic. It would be good if crying is one of the tools from the set of manipulative tools, which stands somewhere between oral sex and passive aggression, and can be activated as needed.

And maybe there really are adult women who start arguing and negotiating, thinking, “If I cry, it will be the way I want it to be.” But rarely does anyone know such women, and anyone who thinks tears are a strategy is wrong. Some of the respondents who do not cry, saying that their face becomes very red and stays that way for the next six hours.

The sound they make is somewhere between a mild satanic rattle and sobbing, which carries the weight of the suffering of almost all female ancestors of the respondent. Saliva is indispensable. It is not possible to pronounce words clearly. The tears are not Hollywood, so just a few drops gently slide down his cheek, before seductively dripping on his chest.

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The role of tears

Nothing about crying arouses sympathy. For most women who participated in the survey on this topic, crying is just something that happens. And in certain circumstances, like a dark film theatre full of women who are also sobbing, crying is a good feeling.

What is the task?

It is not a task to stifle tears. Ever since high school, women exhausted from work say we should never cry. If we understand correctly, men see tears either as manipulation or as a weakness. One writer described it similarly: “They don’t know you’re angry.”

Tracer remembers what her colleague told her after she had previously recovered from crying in the office: “They think you are sad and that it will be enough just for someone to approach you.” Now that I have cried in front of many men – in the office, with alcohol, in bed – we no longer believe it. It is mostly clear to men when a woman cries out of anger, frustration or sudden awareness of the mortality of all living beings. It’s just their reaction to tears, and it’s often condescending.

Through tears, I argued that “shush” is the worst thing a man can say to a crying woman. One of the candidates stated that she had a “shush” boyfriend. If I cried during an argument, he would pull her with clumsy male hands, press his head against his stupid male breasts, and then ruin everything by saying “shush.” She really stopped crying.

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Anger or…

But, not because he calmed me down, but because of the fire I would pour over him because he silences me as if I were a child drowning in tears. Most of the words we say to comfort an adult when they cry are the same words we say to a crying child.

It was nice to hear my mother say, “Come on, it’s good” – in part because she would give me all her attention – but it’s devastating to hear the same thing as an adult. And it is even worse when it is said by a man because women are often not sure whether the stronger sex considers them equal.

An adequate response to crying depends on where you are and what tears you are dealing with. Sad tears are the easiest. If we cry because someone died (on stage or really), because you didn’t get the job you wanted, because your boyfriend just left you, a long hug would be enough.

The best thing you can do is offer your male hands and male breasts as a place to cry, protected from the rest of the world. All the chest exercises you have ever done were preparation for this moment. Furious tears are harder. If your better half is on you or the whole world, she doesn’t want to hear words of comfort or pity, and she certainly doesn’t need advice.

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What does he really want?

We just want to explain, through tears, what is bothering us. I was lucky enough to see one man crying in front of another man, our interlocutor said. There were three of us, we drank, and the conversation became difficult.

One of them started crying as he talked about something that bothered him. (I also started to cry, because I never miss the opportunity for catharsis.) Another friend took a long sip of beer without taking his eyes off him, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t turn his attention to tears and definitely didn’t say “shush” to any of us. He just let him speak, nodding his head when needed.

Not everyone has the nerves of steel needed to watch someone cry. In this and only this way, crying is infantile: it is very difficult not to do anything when you see tears, especially when they have something to do with you. Therefore, pay attention to them just enough to add a handkerchief, but do not say anything. All I want when I cry is for someone to listen to me, even when everything a person says is completely unreasonable for anyone.